It’s been a bad week. And I’m hoping this is rock bottom. Never thought I’d hope for that day to come. Now it’s emotionally painful, physically painful, mentally exhausting and utterly demoralising. I’m actually at the point where I don’t want to use my kinesiology, I just want to recluse into my house, dig a hole that I’ll never climb out of. I’m living my own private hell.
One thing I’ve found overwhelming is my complete lack of interest in actually helping myself. Often at school, one of my peers will tell me about her clients with depression who don’t come back to see her when they’re at their worst. I kind of feel like that. But I am still helping myself. I’m still taking my supplements, my diet is still strictly dairy, gluten, tomato, orange free and largely sugar free (definitely refined sugar free). I’m still booked in to see my kinesiologist next week and I’m still googling every natural remedy ‘fix’ known to man to try find a glimpse of relief.
But the lack of interest in helping myself is with giving myself the emotional and spiritual help I need. I’m no longer meditating, I’m not taking the time out for myself. It feels like I’m busier than ever when all I should be doing is nothing. Rest would be a great thing to do right now. Rest to heal.
I should give myself a break though, mum was admitted into Peter Mac (cancer institute) due to pain for 2 nights and I drove her home which takes 4 hours each way. The emotional component of that is enough in itself. But I’m also working in 2 jobs, studying and looking after a toddler. And add a sick husband to the mix combined with the diet from hell and I guess things are less than calm around here.
So I guess my skin is really just a reflection of all this. They say month 3 is the worst. I’m at day 39. Bummer.
Current healing regime:
- Vitamin D
- Vitamin E
- Vitamin B
- Salmon oil
- Flaxseed oil
- Evening primrose oil
- Probiotics (recently changed to LGG/FOG)
- Occasional zinc
- Moisturiser free (occasional lipbalm so I can talk/work)
- Dairy free/Gluten free/Sugar free/Orange free/Tomato free/Pork free/Fermented food free
- Dead sea salt baths, just started rinsing afterwards
It’s getting taxing. I still have reasonably good days and other days I wish for any good reason not to show my face outside the walls of my house. It just sucks that life still goes on. Can’t the world stop for a bit, just so I can catch up on how I actually feel about this? Can’t I just stay home and have all the things I need come to me so I don’t have to answer everyone’s questions about why my neck is so red? Can’t I just hide away rather than see everyone’s glances at me? Why on earth am I so damn paranoid about what other people think anyway?
Some days I cringe at the concept of leaving the house, other days I almost proudly walk out with my neck exposed and don’t give a rat’s bottom about who is looking.
Today is not one of those days. Today is just painful. I can’t move my neck more than 5 degrees without it stinging. But I did sleep well last night. The night previous was hell on earth with the most nerve pain I’ve had yet. It took 2 hours and 5 different techniques to quieten it down. Yesterday I got a new crystal which helped enormously. Today I got more.
At this point, I can’t see the big picture, I can only see what is right in front of me. Discomfort. When you learn to listen to your intuition, the first thing you learn is that discomfort is trying to tell you something. I guess it’s trying to tell me that the whole triad needs to be valued equally. I’m off to meditate now with my new crystals…