It’s December 2nd, 2020 and Melbourne has been out of lockdown for 36 days, having been in strict lockdown for 188 days (the harshest of those being 112 days). And I’m still reeling from it. Politics aside, I’m struggling. I feel like I’m jamming what should have been spread across those 188 days into 60 days. And I suspect I’m not alone.Read More
Recently I felt the heavy cloak of darkness. While I often write during these times, I rarely publish them. But this time was different. I felt the draw of another who may benefit from knowing all these feelings are normal, regular feelings that no doubt we all feel from time to time. After a few days of feeling, I searched for a sign to pull myself from the depths and back to the light. It was in a simple quote that pulled me this time… (it’s not always that easy for me)Read More
This week my baby girl turned one year old. What an amazing year we’ve had chock full of joy, awe, cuteness and disbelief that this tiny human places her trust solely in us to help her grow. It has also been a year of coming to terms with helping this tiny human grow in an entirely different dynamic to my now 7-year old son. With no Nanna to hang out with, dote on her constantly or give me relief, I’m finding this parenting game at times… well… crappy.
The peculiar thing about death is that the world goes on around you, as if nothing has happened. You feel like you’re dying inside, like a part of your heart has just been taken. Yet the world around you goes buzzing along as if nothing has changed.
My mum died two and a half years ago. She was the matriarch of our family. She had a way of keeping us all together as much as she could and had established firm traditions for our family. After she passed away I, perhaps naïvely, tried to continue on the traditions she had established for our family. This, in particular, included Christmas time.
When I first fell pregnant with my son, almost 7 years ago, I took pregnancy for granted. We fell pregnant quickly and easily, there were no hiccups, no drama, virtually no nausea and everything went to plan as if a checklist were being ticked off. So after experiencing 3 miscarriages, to say I was nervous about becoming pregnant again would have to be my understatement of the year.
My sister and I often talk about living without mum. Since losing our mum in 2015, we’ve had quite a period of adjustment. We each used to talk to mum at least once or twice a week, but it wasn’t uncommon to talk to her for 4, 5, 6 days in a row and or for 3+ hours at a time. We were close. Very close. And the day we discovered conference call (where we could all talk together) was a pretty happy day!
I’ve wanted to write this piece for a long time now. But I’ve not been able to start until right this moment – when I simply had to write it as it was… well, it was ready to come out. Right now, finally, I’m ready to talk about my third miscarriage.
Ever felt like you just had to let something out but you weren’t quite sure how? That’s where I’m at right now. Desperately feeling desperate but not sure what I’m desperate for. Confused, alone, tired and constantly on the verge of tears… thank goodness mercury is out of retrograde from tomorrow. But can I really blame the stars?
Sitting here, watching cockatoos fly past in mobs, my dog at my feet and hearing the sounds of my husband and child chat happily, one could be forgiven for thinking today was just a normal, lovely Sunday morning at home. But today isn’t just any day. Today is my mother’s 2 year anniversary.