Recently I felt the heavy cloak of darkness. While I often write during these times, I rarely publish them. But this time was different. I felt the draw of another who may benefit from knowing all these feelings are normal, regular feelings that no doubt we all feel from time to time. After a few days of feeling, I searched for a sign to pull myself from the depths and back to the light. It was in a simple quote that pulled me this time… (it’s not always that easy for me)Read More
This week my baby girl turned one year old. What an amazing year we’ve had chock full of joy, awe, cuteness and disbelief that this tiny human places her trust solely in us to help her grow. It has also been a year of coming to terms with helping this tiny human grow in an entirely different dynamic to my now 7-year old son. With no Nanna to hang out with, dote on her constantly or give me relief, I’m finding this parenting game at times… well… crappy.
The peculiar thing about death is that the world goes on around you, as if nothing has happened. You feel like you’re dying inside, like a part of your heart has just been taken. Yet the world around you goes buzzing along as if nothing has changed.
A few months ago, I was 9 months pregnant and walking into a hospital to be induced after my waters had broken 80 hours prior, labour failing to establish. Having birthed my first child at home and planning a home birth for this second child, I entered a world of “standard procedures” that I was not accustomed to.
**TRIGGER WARNING** mentions miscarriage, hospital birthing and procedures that may cause distress
Life in the 21st Century would be considered ‘madness’ to those living in prior to the 20th Century, don’t you agree? Unless you have found true balance in your work, home life and ‘you’ time, you’re one of the thousands of people who struggle each day to ‘fit it all in’. I find this interesting. And that’s mainly because I know that we all just want to be happy! And maybe you are, but are you really enjoying every moment of every day? Enjoying each day as if it were your last? Or are you just struggling through?
My mum died two and a half years ago. She was the matriarch of our family. She had a way of keeping us all together as much as she could and had established firm traditions for our family. After she passed away I, perhaps naïvely, tried to continue on the traditions she had established for our family. This, in particular, included Christmas time.
When I first fell pregnant with my son, almost 7 years ago, I took pregnancy for granted. We fell pregnant quickly and easily, there were no hiccups, no drama, virtually no nausea and everything went to plan as if a checklist were being ticked off. So after experiencing 3 miscarriages, to say I was nervous about becoming pregnant again would have to be my understatement of the year.
Ever have those days, weeks or even months when you feel like you’re up against it all? And through all the chaos, you wonder who you really are? You recognise yourself, but you feel unheard. You feel like you’re in a sea of challenges but drowning in what someone else wants you to be? That’s been my week.
My sister and I often talk about living without mum. Since losing our mum in 2015, we’ve had quite a period of adjustment. We each used to talk to mum at least once or twice a week, but it wasn’t uncommon to talk to her for 4, 5, 6 days in a row and or for 3+ hours at a time. We were close. Very close. And the day we discovered conference call (where we could all talk together) was a pretty happy day!
I’ve wanted to write this piece for a long time now. But I’ve not been able to start until right this moment – when I simply had to write it as it was… well, it was ready to come out. Right now, finally, I’m ready to talk about my third miscarriage.